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Do you believe in spirits? I’m not usually up at this hour. I’m a night owl and if I am up this early I am at work. But this morning I can’t close my eyes again. I’m too terrified. A second instance of what seems to be unusual goings on in my house has occurred. I can’t remember the first one from earlier this week but I remember thinking it cannot be a ghost because I just don’t believe that if they do exist that they would evil. And since my mind has a way of erasing unpleasant experiences from my memory bank, I cannot remember what happened to make me think that. So this time I am writing it down. But tonight terrified me to tears, whether it was a horrific nightmare or real life. I was lying in bed unable to fall asleep. I’m not afraid of the dark. I don’t watch horror movies and I’ve never been afraid to be alone in the dark. I was lying on my back when I laid down and had not moved from that position. I swear I don’t remember falling asleep. Suddenly I looked up at the fan in my bedroom and shear terror griped me. What happened next mortified me beyond belief. I heard a whistle, followed by a gush of ice cold air over my body and suddenly, the blankets that were around my neck to keep me warm, were pulled tightly under my jugular. I could feel the tightness of the blankets under my throat and I could not breathe. When I opened my mouth to scream, no sound came out. I could feel the blankets choking me and my hands were to my sides. I opened my eyes momentarily and looked at the fan above me. It was blurred as if something was slightly obstructing my view. I closed my eyes, still unable to breathe, thinking that whatever was in my room was going to end my existence. And I thought it was a ghost. After several seconds I squeezed my eyes shut and thought that if I believed that ghosts didn’t exist then it would lose it’s power and I might live another day. As I did this, the blankets slowly loosened and my breath slowly came back into my body. The air above me warmed up and I kept my eyes closed, too terrified to even move an inch. I laid this way for about five to ten minutes waiting for my heartbeat to normalize. Finally, I jumped up and turned the lights on and ran into the front room, turning every light on in the house. I’m terrified right now to close my eyes and sleep. It felt so real and when I looked in the mirror I swear I could see red marks around my neck. If I press against my glands there is soreness.
So here I am online, afraid to close my eyes, looking for anyone in the community to talk to and wondering again, what would Xena do? One other thing that has me freaking out a bit is the sound of a cat crying. Three times this week I have heard the same meow when sitting in my recliner. I keep my windows closed and it keeps most of the outside noise out of my house but what’s even more disconcerting is that when I hear the cat cry my dogs and cat are not responding. The dogs bark at any outside noise, especially if it’s an animal noise and the cat has been right next to me each time. The crying stops the minute I stand up. Tags: ghosts, nightmare, terrified
Current Location: not in the bedroom
Current Music: Mary Chapin Carpenter
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This is a poem that I wrote many years ago after a particularly nasty argument with my mother. What did we argue about? She thought that I was no longer the little girl she wanted me to be. Overnight I went from being the best little girl in the world to the unredeemable child who would burn in hell for all eternity. I wrote this poem and gave it to her. Words are very powerful. We made up but there were many highs and lows in our relationship. When she died I was the one caring for her 24/7 until her death. It took her a long time but she did learn that all love is good and a person should be judged by their actions not the color of their skin, not the god they believe in, not the people they love.
LOVE ME (FOR I AM OF YOUR FLESH)
LOVE ME FOR I AM OF YOUR FLESH. YOU CREATED ME. YOU GAVE ME LIFE. I AM A PART OF YOU, AN EXTENSION OF YOUR BEING. I AM NOT A CARBON COPY, BUT AN ORIGINAL, MY INSPIRATION BEING YOU. YOU HAVE RAISED ME, TEACHING ME RIGHT FROM WRONG. WHAT IS IN BETWEEN IS UNCERTAINTY. I AM AN ADULT NOW. I MUST FIND ANSWERS ON MY OWN. THERE WILL BE MANY FAILURES AND MANY SUCCESSES, I AM SURE. I LOOK TO YOU FOR GUIDANCE AND SUPPORT. IF I SUCCEED, SHARE IN MY GLORY. IF I STUMBLE, BE CONFIDENT THAT I WILL NOT FALL. BE PROUD THAT I AM AN INDIVIDUAL. HELP ME TO GROW AS A HUMAN BEING. GLORY IN MY GROWING INDEPENDENCE. IF WE DON’T AGREE, LOOK THE OTHER WAY AND BE CONFIDENT THAT I WILL FIND MY OWN ANSWERS. ALWAYS PRAY FOR ME AS I DO YOU. LOVE ME FOR I AM OF YOUR FLESH. Tags: love
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I was going to begin my journal with a biggie, a well thought out essay written on my new laptop that would get heads turning and tails wagging about a very controversial subject, providing someone actually read what I wrote. (In my mind I hear a mysterious voice that says, “If you write it, they will read it. And for some damned reason I see a baseball field and Kevin Costner. You know if I have to have the vision with the voice at least show me Ray Liota. He is so much cuter in this movie.) So we shall see as I choose to begin my first online journal experience with the ramblings of a sleep deprived cat. For the past two weeks I have had insomnia. Part of the reason is the increased pain in the upper part of the back of my thigh, in other words, the pain in my ass. Apparently I have pulled something and the pain is getting worse not receding and yes, I now have a pain in my ass as opposed to being a pain in the ass, which is my usual gig. For those of you who know me, (all two of you) you know that I am a cat and that losing sleep is quite disconcerting. I sleepless cat is like a rabid dog. I sleep for an hour, wake up, must er um, visit the lil girl’s room and back to bed for another 55 minutes of almost sleep. Eight hours of this is enough to drive a sane person insane and since I’m not sane to begin with, I am a ticking time bomb. In the past week, the short interludes of sleep have been overcome with haunting and frankly very scary and very freaky nightmares, none of which I can now remember. Thank god for over medicating. It was during my 4a-5a interlude of sleep that I had a very bizarre nightmare and I swore I would remember it when I woke up for real but now I just wanted to sleep. So I decided to go into my front room at 5am and sleep on my sofa after taking a pain pill. OMG! I fell asleep instantly and I slept soundly for two hours until my body rose to the top of the ceiling to the sound of trumpets! Friggin trumpets! Mama does not do well when awakened in such a manner, shaken to the core, oblivious to where the noise is coming from. It was coming from my purse and my new cell phone. Technology will be the death of me. Apparently the battery is running low and it was calling me to tell me this! WTF!! I was sleeping! Do not disturb the cat when she is sleeping! As far as the trumpets go, well someone has some splaining to do. Trumpets? So here I am awake and writing trivial stuff down on my computer. I do remember the nightmare and I wish I could take a photograph of it from my mind and post it on the Internet. It was beautiful even though I woke up seconds before my death. The only way I can accurately describe it is this: Imagine walking along America Lane, the perfect neighborhood in suburban America. I’m walking with someone as I’m never alone in these dreams yet I can never identify the person I am with. We look up and our view is an ariel view as though we are flying high above Metropolis or a beautiful city CGI’d in tones of blue’s and grays with high towers and glass sparkling from the reflection of sunlight. Then suddenly a rumble is heard and terror grips my stomach. While the view was gorgeous, it was the emotions that were so frightening because they felt so real. It was Armageddon, only it was really very beautiful. My legs froze. What would Xena do? Okay, I didn’t have that thought but I am telling a story and a little bit of artistic stretching of the truth is allowed. (Yes I know there is a word for that but I already told you I haven’t had any sleep and woke up really, really bad.) I see what should be smoke from a major explosion and while I hate to bring up the horror that was 9/11, the only way I can think of right now to describe it is to have you visualize how the dust and dirt and explosion looked when the second tower exploded. Only it is a beautiful, striking shade of powder blue with royal blue ribbons throughout. It looks like a giant billowing cloud and it seems to be doing the wave as it engulfs the enormous glass buildings of the city, destroying everything in its path and choking the air with powder blue dust. After several long seconds, (such a silly expression, as if seconds actually grow longer) I turn toward the perfect street and a perfectly mowed green lawn and run. But it’s too late as the blue powder descends upon me, filling my lungs with beautifully colored smoke and soot and rains royal blue Mardi Gras beads against my skin. My last thought before I wake up (besides I’m going to die) is, “Friggin Mardi Gras beads! I’m being pelted by Mardi Gras beads?” Well today is Mary Chapin Carpenter’s birthday and she does love New Orleans so maybe there is a connection. Happy birthday Mary Chapin! And thus begins my first venture into the LiveJournal community. Tags: mary chapin carpenter
Current Mood:  tired
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candideyes's journal
amused